The flood of Americans sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in
the past week, sparking calls in Ottawa for increased patrols to stop illegal
immigration. …

Canadian border farmers say it’s not uncommon to see dozens of sociology
professors, animal-rights activists, and Unitarians crossing their fields at
night. “I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood
producer huddled in the barn,” said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage
borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if
I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn’t have any,
he left. Didn’t even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but
the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush
Limbaugh across the fields. “Not real effective,” he said. “The liberals still
got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn’t give milk.”

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the
Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the
border and leave them to fend for themselves. “A lot of these people are not
prepared for rugged conditions,” an Ontario border patrolman said. “I found one
carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley
cabernet, though.”

When liberals are caught, they’re sent back across the border, often wailing
loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been
circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in
which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.

“I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can’t support
them,” an Ottawa resident said. “How many art-history majors does one country
need?”

Liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some
have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian
prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in
powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing
the supposed senior-citizen passengers. “If they can’t identify the accordion
player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age,” an official
said.

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice
President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the
administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney
said. “We’re going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put
some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach
out.”

Hat tip: njal